Legion (2010): You might not think it at first, but a bit of apocalypse can be bloody entertaining. Stuff blowing up, people dying, chaos all over the place. It's usually good for something, at least in television and films. Probably not recommended outside of those mediums. I'm a long-time fan of the TV show Supernatural, which is focused around a lot of that crap. Demons and angels and all that nonsense, it's very good, so you would have expected me to look forward to Legion, which on paper is very similar to Supernatural. In execution, it really isn't. The majority of the film is set in a little diner way out in the middle of Who The Fuck Knows, America. It's all peaceful, until a nice old lady comes in, eats a raw steak, tells a pregnant lady her kid's gonna burn, calls everyone else a load of cunts and bites a guy's throat out before crawling on the ceiling like a spider and getting shot dead. That, understandably, shakes everyone up a bit. Turns out the big man upstairs isn't so happy with us nowadays. Remember the great flood, Noah and his big arse boat and that? Yeah boy. Course you do. SUPER successful bit of business. God's a smart guy, so guess what. SEQUEL. He's sending a load of angels to wipe us out. Except, for reasons nobody really explained properly, the pregnant girl's kid guarantees humanity's safety. If the kid dies, we die. Paul Bettany's an angel who's turned against pops and is trying to help, ripping his wings off and all that kerazy nonsense.
The film fails on several levels, but one fundamental thing that even some of the worse filmmakers have managed to satisfy: It's really, really fucking boring. Here you have a film based around THE END OF HUMANITY, and instead it's like one big action sequence followed by 20 minutes of tedious sitting around and shite forced dialogue with characters staring out into the dark waiting for the next big set piece. I'm not sure that Michael Bay can even tie his own shoelaces but in his films he just goes mental with the special effects and you're at least guaranteed a loud noise or bright light that will keep your eyes open for the majority of the film's running time. This has none of that. It's dull both in the content of the script and in an aesthetic sense. None of the characters are particularly easy to like, I think technically we're supposed to like The Pregnant One and The Boy One, but other stereotypes featured are The Dad One (played by Dennis Quaid, oh dear), The Teenage Rebel One, The Uptight Mum One, The Thin Black One and The Fat Black One. Some live, some die. No tears were shed. The only moments of entertainment come from the aforementioned evil granny and a later scene involving a similarly evil child. These are high comedy. I suspect those were intended to have a comedic edge. I suspect the filmmakers wanted there to be other plus points. Don't think they succeeded with that one. Two thumbs down.
Thursday, 5 May 2011
Monday, 2 May 2011
Movie Review: Total Recall (1990)
Total Recall (1990): So after finding out that Minority Report was initially pitched as a sequel to Total Recall, what better reason than to watch said Arnie film? After all, it's science fiction, it's early 1990s, it's Arnold Schwarzenegger. How can it go wrong? The answer is, well, not really. It's exactly what it sounds like: A 1990s science fiction film starring Arnold Schwarzenegger.
The film focuses on a man in the future (again, 20whatever) named Douglas Quaid, played by Arnie. He's just an average bum, working on a construction site. BUT HE'S NOT. How boring would that be, if he was just an average bum. OR IS HE. And there we have the question throughout the film. Yer boy Arnie's got aspirations of going to Mars. To display this, the opening scene sees Arnie on Mars in a space suit with some woman. He falls down a hill (more of a slight incline), then his eyes bulge and he wakes up screaming. This makes him decide "Mars is for me", so yeah, he's pretty thick. His wife, played by Sharon Stone's, not so happy about this. Probably because of the bulging eye thing. So he decides to go for some new experimental treatment that will implant memories of him going to Mars. Except it doesn't work, and halfway through the procedure he goes a bit mental and they throw him out, eradicating all records of him even being there. When he wakes up, he gets attacked by people he considering his friends and gets messages informing him he's actually from Mars and he's not who he thinks he is. The film goes on to detail his attempts to work out who he is.
The future in this world's much more entertaining that Minority Report, although it's a whole lot freakier. As you see above, there's a woman with three tits. There's also a main character who reveals his brother, a small baby-like organism attached to his stomach. I say baby-like, it's basically a talking baby. And said baby gets shot in the fucking head, which is the closest to that that I have ever seen in a film. There's also a man with a head that's all, like, folded up, but that could probably happen so that's not as funny. The film's also loaded with quality Arnie zingers, which is really what you employ the man for. You've got the best, "You think this is the real Quaid - it is" followed by relentless gunfire, plus the classic "You wouldn't hurt me, I'm your wife" followed by a shot to the head and "Consider that the divorce". The film is relentlessly corny but that's all part of its charm and it's thoroughly entertaining. The bits toward the end where they deal with some shit about mining on Mars are a bit of an afterthought despite their best efforts (until the final scenes, really) and the ending's a bit of a cop out but the stuff around the middle concerning Quaid's identity where he's on the run is rather good. The film's not one of the best but it's completely entertaining and a lot of fun. One thumb up.
As an aside, I have to document my love for Arnold films where he's just given a normal stereotypical American name and profession, yet he looks like Arnold and he sounds like Arnold. He's Jimmy Smith but he speaks with a thick Austrian accent. Nobody ever points it out. Nobody makes fun of it. Nobody notices it. Not even his American wife or his American kids, who appear unaware their father is Austrian. I love Arnold Schwarzenegger.
 |
| Uh, huh. |
The future in this world's much more entertaining that Minority Report, although it's a whole lot freakier. As you see above, there's a woman with three tits. There's also a main character who reveals his brother, a small baby-like organism attached to his stomach. I say baby-like, it's basically a talking baby. And said baby gets shot in the fucking head, which is the closest to that that I have ever seen in a film. There's also a man with a head that's all, like, folded up, but that could probably happen so that's not as funny. The film's also loaded with quality Arnie zingers, which is really what you employ the man for. You've got the best, "You think this is the real Quaid - it is" followed by relentless gunfire, plus the classic "You wouldn't hurt me, I'm your wife" followed by a shot to the head and "Consider that the divorce". The film is relentlessly corny but that's all part of its charm and it's thoroughly entertaining. The bits toward the end where they deal with some shit about mining on Mars are a bit of an afterthought despite their best efforts (until the final scenes, really) and the ending's a bit of a cop out but the stuff around the middle concerning Quaid's identity where he's on the run is rather good. The film's not one of the best but it's completely entertaining and a lot of fun. One thumb up.
As an aside, I have to document my love for Arnold films where he's just given a normal stereotypical American name and profession, yet he looks like Arnold and he sounds like Arnold. He's Jimmy Smith but he speaks with a thick Austrian accent. Nobody ever points it out. Nobody makes fun of it. Nobody notices it. Not even his American wife or his American kids, who appear unaware their father is Austrian. I love Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Movie Review: Minority Report (2002)
Minority Report (2002): There's shedloads of films set in the future. In said future, we have it all. Wheels? Pah, stuff your stinking wheels. Who needs wheels, mate? We can fly! What? You actually have physical screens for your TVs and movies? Wake up, granddad, we have holograms to handle that shit. Oh yeah, and did I mention the shoes with the electronic laces? Yes indeed, this is a well-covered subject in film, which is why Minority Report doesn't stand out on paper, but in execution this is a fine mesh of Hollywood special effects and genuinely interesting storylines.
The year is THE FUTURE, 20somethingorother. I forget. Not that far in the future, no aliens yet (that we know of). The cops are really smart here because they can tell when someone's gonna commit a murder before they do it thanks to these three mutants who can see the future. Sitting in a swimming pool all day allows them to pool their thoughts together, because it would, wouldn't it. Relaxing and that. Tom Cruise is one of said policemen, until it turns out he's apparently gonna murder someone. He's not so happy about this (understandably), and a chase begins. The scientific stuff at the start is done fairly well, it sets the scene, establishes all the characters to the basic roles - Cruise is the good guy, Colin Farrell's the bad guy, Max von Sydow's Tom Cruise's mentor and confidante. It's easy to zone out when they get into the technicalities of it all with the bald people in the pools and that, mostly because the main one, Agatha, reminded me of the lead queen one from the Borg in the Patrick Stewart Star Trek stuff. However, when the chase kicks in the film becomes very entertaining as it builds to the supposed murder. The film has a twist that makes you rethink the way you've previously perceived major characters and one scene in particular really caught me by surprise.
The ending of the film is the only really contentious thing, as it is more conventionally happy than you may think, in contrast with the rest of the film which is all rather dark, the film being drab in appearance and rather bleak and dystopian overall. The film focuses a lot on determinism, whether we can change our future or whether it's all mapped out for us, and combines this with a look at the extreme "police state" seen in the film, where an overly-authoritative regime completely eradicates murders but also seems to reduce the overall quality of life for the citizens that are being protected. There's also the idea of the precogs, the mutants who predict the murders, not being allowed a decent quality of life, essentially being kept as slaves. These threads are all mostly tied up nicely at the end, although these ending in a more dramatic "negative" manner would surely have made them more memorable because the positive note it ends on mostly leaves the viewer empty in what was an otherwise very interesting film. Two thumbs up.
The year is THE FUTURE, 20somethingorother. I forget. Not that far in the future, no aliens yet (that we know of). The cops are really smart here because they can tell when someone's gonna commit a murder before they do it thanks to these three mutants who can see the future. Sitting in a swimming pool all day allows them to pool their thoughts together, because it would, wouldn't it. Relaxing and that. Tom Cruise is one of said policemen, until it turns out he's apparently gonna murder someone. He's not so happy about this (understandably), and a chase begins. The scientific stuff at the start is done fairly well, it sets the scene, establishes all the characters to the basic roles - Cruise is the good guy, Colin Farrell's the bad guy, Max von Sydow's Tom Cruise's mentor and confidante. It's easy to zone out when they get into the technicalities of it all with the bald people in the pools and that, mostly because the main one, Agatha, reminded me of the lead queen one from the Borg in the Patrick Stewart Star Trek stuff. However, when the chase kicks in the film becomes very entertaining as it builds to the supposed murder. The film has a twist that makes you rethink the way you've previously perceived major characters and one scene in particular really caught me by surprise.
The ending of the film is the only really contentious thing, as it is more conventionally happy than you may think, in contrast with the rest of the film which is all rather dark, the film being drab in appearance and rather bleak and dystopian overall. The film focuses a lot on determinism, whether we can change our future or whether it's all mapped out for us, and combines this with a look at the extreme "police state" seen in the film, where an overly-authoritative regime completely eradicates murders but also seems to reduce the overall quality of life for the citizens that are being protected. There's also the idea of the precogs, the mutants who predict the murders, not being allowed a decent quality of life, essentially being kept as slaves. These threads are all mostly tied up nicely at the end, although these ending in a more dramatic "negative" manner would surely have made them more memorable because the positive note it ends on mostly leaves the viewer empty in what was an otherwise very interesting film. Two thumbs up.
Sunday, 1 May 2011
Movie Review: Catfish (2010)
Catfish (2010): I'm no big fan of horror films, as will soon become apparent. My fear of things that go bump in the night is well known, particularly among the group of four friends who went with me to the pirates section of Madame Tussauds in Amsterdam (which we visited in between getting madly stoned and whatever else it is you do in Holland, weep and yelp Denish Bergkamp! I suppose). This was no pirate exhibition, this was putting a load of perverts in tightly-packed cells, turning the lights off and getting naive (fuckin' idiot) tourists to walk between them. What's this got to do with Catfish, you may be asking. This film creeped me out much, much more than any Dutch pirate could ever aspire to do.
Catfish is a documentary film by Ariel Schulman and Henry Joost focusing on photographer (and Ariel's brother) Nev Schulman's ongoing relationship with a young girl named Abby who contacts him by email and posts him watercolour paintings of his own photographs. As things develop, the friendship goes onto Facebook and we're introduced to Abby's mother and half-sister Megan in addition to various other friends. The family member we hear most from is the mother Angela, which is fairly innocent on the surface. The film, on this level, is rather tame, it's just some girl who likes painting and is being encouraged by her mum. However, things become increasingly creepy as Nev's relationship with Megan becomes deeper while more and more holes appear in the family's story. The truth of the family becomes apparent with about 40 minutes remaining as opposed to the very end of the film, and simply allowing the utter absurdity of the situation to set in is rather horrifying as we see that what we'd been told is, in fact, completely false. You sense that this isn't just the audience's emotion - at various points members of the filming trio attempt to bail, varying from quitting the project as a whole to simply going back to the car to avoid the awkwardness.
What was most amazing to me was the text at the end updating the audience on what had occurred after the film's conclusion which adds another twist, revealing that even some of the film's revelations were, in fact, not altogether true. Catfish is a film that is nothing on the surface but becomes a very interesting and slightly frightening insight into the more peculiar members of our society and the webs of lies that can be spun with the use of social networking platforms. Whether it's all real or not I'm not sure, and I'm not going to spend much time deconstructing that particular facet. It's presented as a documentary and, in this case, I'll take it at face value, even if one of the more blatant messages of the film is to do exactly the opposite of that. Two thumbs up.
Catfish is a documentary film by Ariel Schulman and Henry Joost focusing on photographer (and Ariel's brother) Nev Schulman's ongoing relationship with a young girl named Abby who contacts him by email and posts him watercolour paintings of his own photographs. As things develop, the friendship goes onto Facebook and we're introduced to Abby's mother and half-sister Megan in addition to various other friends. The family member we hear most from is the mother Angela, which is fairly innocent on the surface. The film, on this level, is rather tame, it's just some girl who likes painting and is being encouraged by her mum. However, things become increasingly creepy as Nev's relationship with Megan becomes deeper while more and more holes appear in the family's story. The truth of the family becomes apparent with about 40 minutes remaining as opposed to the very end of the film, and simply allowing the utter absurdity of the situation to set in is rather horrifying as we see that what we'd been told is, in fact, completely false. You sense that this isn't just the audience's emotion - at various points members of the filming trio attempt to bail, varying from quitting the project as a whole to simply going back to the car to avoid the awkwardness.
What was most amazing to me was the text at the end updating the audience on what had occurred after the film's conclusion which adds another twist, revealing that even some of the film's revelations were, in fact, not altogether true. Catfish is a film that is nothing on the surface but becomes a very interesting and slightly frightening insight into the more peculiar members of our society and the webs of lies that can be spun with the use of social networking platforms. Whether it's all real or not I'm not sure, and I'm not going to spend much time deconstructing that particular facet. It's presented as a documentary and, in this case, I'll take it at face value, even if one of the more blatant messages of the film is to do exactly the opposite of that. Two thumbs up.
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